Feeling down in the dumps today.

Okay so all Nick's and my friends know me and Nick have been trying to get pregnant for years... Well it seems that all of them can get pregnant so easily... and most of them have recently... I'm happy for them I really am but I can't help but feel jealous and like a failure as a woman. I track it and it doesn't work, I sit back and just let it happen, and doesn't work take a break and that doesn't even work.... I can't afford ivf or adoption... I feel like I'll never get to be a mommy. Yes I have my friends kids but it's not the same. I want my own babies.

 As soon as my insurance kicks in I'm going to go see an ob about this. Maybe I can find one that will understand that I want a baby I've been through three that just tell me to wait and give it time. I have been giving it time for almost 4 years! I need help! I've tried everything natural, tracking ovulation, tracking my cycle, and even the every other day method.

*Sigh*

Yet now even my "best friend" is pregnant (by accident) and wanted me be a part of her pregnancy yet doesn't call me at all the day of her appointment she wanted me to go with her to... I really don't understand I try and be a friend to everyone... I was with my friend the night she gave birth two weeks ago and I cried in the waiting room because I wanted to be the one having a baby in that delivery room... I loved being there for her because they are family, but I can't help but to feel hurt (not her fault at all)

I just don't know what to do anymore... I just want to ball up and not have to hear about pregnancy or pregnant women for a while. Considering I can't get pregnant and the only two times I have gotten pregnant I have lost it. :(

My angels: Amy and Aiden

Well for most don't know, I had a miscarriage last year at this time (well actually the beginning of September) I found out on Nick's birthday last year. Then lost the baby at 7 weeks. I had it confirmed at my ob. Of course we don't know what sex the baby was. So we went with mother's intuition and Nick's that it was a boy. We named him Aiden Blake Barker. We were very unstable in a home at the time so when we were finally settled with my mom, we finally grieved for him. I bought a teddy bear the day we found out I was pregnant for the baby, I still sleep with it to this day.

Since I lost the baby so early they called it a chemical pregnancy. I wasn't very familiar with the term so I researched it. My horrible ob of course didn't tell me much other than "oh it's just a chemical pregnancy." Chemical pregnancies are actually quite common in woman. It's when the baby and the body terminate the pregnancy early because the chemicals in the baby aren't right or that they don't mix well with the mom.

My main point to this blog was to touch on this. We plan on doing something for Aiden and Amy's (my other miscarriage) "angelversary" because the times when they went to heaven aren't very far from each other maybe a month in between. Were going to do a balloon release for them a baby pink balloon for Amy and a baby blue balloon for Aiden. Which also are the colors for pregnancy and infant loss awareness ribbon.

Has anyone that reads my blogs have had a miscarriage? I could release more balloons for your angel's memory. :)

(Will do a separate post explaining Amy)

TTC fail, and roller coaster of emotions...

Well I knew I shouldn't have got my hopes up this month. I had changed my diet at the end of last month and it's showing with my cycle this month. AF is a week late. I have taken four pregnancy tests all negative. Two this morning and two a couple of days ago...

I just feel like such a failure... I know people that don't want their babies, or don't have them in good conditions. I want one so bad I have cried over this... Nick wants to be a dad so bad and I feel as if it's my fault we haven't had one yet. This time last year I was pregnant with baby Aiden... Of course my chemicals didn't mix with the babies so I had a very early miscarriage. I feel as if I will never be a mother. :( We can't afford adoption or i.v.f. We have been ttcing for over two years... I know a lot of people didn't know but we have... I track AF my ovulation all of it... I have even talked to several obgyns and all of them weren't helpful. "You're so young you should wait to have kids." or better yet this one hurts, "You know you should lose weight before you try or even think about having a baby." Knowing that I have my thyroid problem I have also heard this one, "Do you really want to have a baby on all this medicine?" (Knowing completely that I am only taking my thyroid medicine and my prenatal daily the rest is just in case). I just want to give up so bad....

Everyone of my friends I like to hang out with have kids and makes me just want them more. I love these kids as if they were my own, but truthfully it hurts a bit knowing most of them got pregnant on accident, and I can't get pregnant on purpose... *Sigh* I guess that's it for now, I just wanted to throw my feelings out there.

Faulty Ept test?

So today I had an itch to take a pregnancy test so I took one when I went to the restroom. I kind of don't understand why I wanted to take one. I'm on cycle day 25, I'm not supposed to start till the 11th. I guess maybe it was that I was sick this morning? Anyway, once I took it I sat it on my counter for the time said to let it sit and when I went back to look, it was faulty. I will not go into description because I will be posting a photo of it. To be completely truthful, I was disappointed. I know in my relationship we're not ready. We are ready financially, space wise, and mentally in our minds but our relationship isn't at the right time.

Early testing?

So the other day I took a test, knowing that I was taking it more than a week early. I just had an erge to test because in my family you start to get symptoms early and I was feeling sick. It was negative but I'm not giving up. It's still early in the month. AF isn't supposed to get here till the middle of the month. No symptoms of her yet. We aren't technically trying yet. I went to the SSI office today in other news. So if I get accepted and we get out on our own we will really start trying. Me and Nick's chemical pregnancy has been on my mind as of late. Because how my due date should have been soon. </3 How I had a doctor appointment and everything. I'm just listening to my playlist for my miscarriages. Amy would be turning 5 this year! Instead I'm dealing with her angelversery. I'm tired of hiding it too. I love my angels. She would have been an amazing big sister. Me and Nick named our Angel Aiden Blake Barker. I've just realized I never wrote about him on any blog. I have on my facebook but never my blog. Well here's nothing lol in August of last year me and Nick found out I was pregnant by 3 home tests. All positive!Just for the next month for me to lose the baby. I went to the doctor trying to figure out how the baby passed so easily. It was a chemical pregnancy. Meaning the baby never made it pass the cell stage. But a person is a person no matter how small. Sorry for the goriness but it makes me feel better talking about it. Amy and Aiden I love you so much. I miss you so much.

Sorry for no updates!

We are in the process of me getting on SSI because of my personal problems and I haven't even had time to think of a baby. I do still want one very badly but in our situation it's not possible  Nick's work needs to pick up and he is looking for a new job. Hopefully going to work at our new Wife-savor (which my mom works at). I think February is my first appointment with SSI! With all that said I am starting to vlog! I have one video up for now but as soon as I get my new camera batteries in I will start vlogging more! I've just been very busy with life lately! So more updates to come on the road to baby Barker but you can read my similar post on my other blog Barking with the Barkers. Where I go into more depth of what's been going on and what's to come! http://barkingwiththebarkers.blogspot.com/

How young is too young

As this is my first post in my baby Barker blog, I thought I would touch on the subject of age and trying to conceive. I believe that I was stupid when I was 15-17 wanting to have a baby. I was no where near ready, physically or emotionally. I was unstable from what had happened to me as a child. I wanted to prove that I would have a better family than I was raised in. My fiance feels the same way but for a different reason. I know I'm still very young for ttcing at age 18. I'm not sure if I'm ready yet still but with fertility problems on both sides as we get older, it's now or never.Which is why I go by the saying babies don't wait for you to be ready.