My angels: Amy and Aiden

Well for most don't know, I had a miscarriage last year at this time (well actually the beginning of September) I found out on Nick's birthday last year. Then lost the baby at 7 weeks. I had it confirmed at my ob. Of course we don't know what sex the baby was. So we went with mother's intuition and Nick's that it was a boy. We named him Aiden Blake Barker. We were very unstable in a home at the time so when we were finally settled with my mom, we finally grieved for him. I bought a teddy bear the day we found out I was pregnant for the baby, I still sleep with it to this day.

Since I lost the baby so early they called it a chemical pregnancy. I wasn't very familiar with the term so I researched it. My horrible ob of course didn't tell me much other than "oh it's just a chemical pregnancy." Chemical pregnancies are actually quite common in woman. It's when the baby and the body terminate the pregnancy early because the chemicals in the baby aren't right or that they don't mix well with the mom.

My main point to this blog was to touch on this. We plan on doing something for Aiden and Amy's (my other miscarriage) "angelversary" because the times when they went to heaven aren't very far from each other maybe a month in between. Were going to do a balloon release for them a baby pink balloon for Amy and a baby blue balloon for Aiden. Which also are the colors for pregnancy and infant loss awareness ribbon.

Has anyone that reads my blogs have had a miscarriage? I could release more balloons for your angel's memory. :)

(Will do a separate post explaining Amy)

TTC fail, and roller coaster of emotions...

Well I knew I shouldn't have got my hopes up this month. I had changed my diet at the end of last month and it's showing with my cycle this month. AF is a week late. I have taken four pregnancy tests all negative. Two this morning and two a couple of days ago...

I just feel like such a failure... I know people that don't want their babies, or don't have them in good conditions. I want one so bad I have cried over this... Nick wants to be a dad so bad and I feel as if it's my fault we haven't had one yet. This time last year I was pregnant with baby Aiden... Of course my chemicals didn't mix with the babies so I had a very early miscarriage. I feel as if I will never be a mother. :( We can't afford adoption or i.v.f. We have been ttcing for over two years... I know a lot of people didn't know but we have... I track AF my ovulation all of it... I have even talked to several obgyns and all of them weren't helpful. "You're so young you should wait to have kids." or better yet this one hurts, "You know you should lose weight before you try or even think about having a baby." Knowing that I have my thyroid problem I have also heard this one, "Do you really want to have a baby on all this medicine?" (Knowing completely that I am only taking my thyroid medicine and my prenatal daily the rest is just in case). I just want to give up so bad....

Everyone of my friends I like to hang out with have kids and makes me just want them more. I love these kids as if they were my own, but truthfully it hurts a bit knowing most of them got pregnant on accident, and I can't get pregnant on purpose... *Sigh* I guess that's it for now, I just wanted to throw my feelings out there.